It’s a common refrain from women I meet, “When I met him he seemed…” and then they describe a guy who SEEMED to have it all together: confident, strong, took care of business, sensitive, supportive, caring, and on and on.
Maybe you know what comes next.
What comes next is, they share about how Prince Charming is not, it turns out, so charming. Nor is he a Prince. Unless you mean a little prince, like a little boy. Because at some point, they say, he mysteriously transformed into an overly needy, sensitive, indecisive, dependent, weak loser they lost respect for.
Their “Man” had become a little boy.
But even WORSE, he had become THEIR little boy.
And they were tired of feeling like his Mommy. Having to bolster his confidence, deal with his insecurity, take care of him, deal with his questionable decisions or indecisiveness, looking at a financial future where they contributed more than he could, and on and on.
These boys were NOT able to help them feel safe, supported or sexy.
Can you relate?
So what happened? Why did the Knight in Shining Armor, Championing his Lady suddenly become the guy who was so fragile that you had to put your own needs aside over-and-over again.
Well, look there are TWO parts here — HIS part….. and YOUR part.
Too many people focus on the OTHER person’s part.
Focusing on HIS part will get you NOWHERE.
Know why? Because regardless of his issues (and believe me, he DOES have issues, because we ALL do).. regardless of his issues, you have NO control over fixing him or his issues.
The biggest mistake people make in relationships is expecting to change the other person.
I coach my clients to focus on THEIR part in creating that Mommy – Boy dynamic. Not because it is their ‘fault’ or they are ‘to blame’. No. Because THEIR part is the ONLY part they have FULL control over. That means they CAN change that part. If we want different results we MUST focus on the stuff we CAN change. And that’s OURSELVES.
So, for the rest of this article, you and I are going to talk about how we can help you change so you stop attracting, training and staying with men who act emotionally immature. Let him figure his own shit out. We are here to help YOU.
So, how can you change so this pattern ends? How can you change so your relationship changes back to equal, full partners who are both strong, supportive and emotionally present?
Look, we could coach for a year on this if you have any hidden blocks, but I want to give you something quick, easy and actionable that you can do TODAY to get started on this. So here it is….
THE WAY YOU KEEP GETTING STUCK LOOKS LIKE THIS
1) Met a great, confident man who has his stuff together
2) We start dating. He is considerate, supportive, treats me like a lady, has a plan for his future but is open to sharing his future with a full partner.
3) We get serious and committed (stop dating others)
4) He has a tough day or week with work, family, health or something. I am kind, supportive and there for him.
5) This happens repeatedly and I don’t feel like I can bring up what I need while he is ‘going through something’
6) My needs start to be bottom priority and I don’t address it
7) I start finding him a drain, a drag and I love him but start judging him and resenting him too.
8) More and more often, I am happier NOT around him than around him because I can actually meet my needs, not his.
9) Things get worse between us. Sex is less sexy or not at all.
10) Eventually it gets bad enough that we break up… but I wasted months or years.
That’s it. That’s the anatomy of that pattern.
Now, HERE is where you will focus on interrupting it…
1) Met a great, confident man who has his stuff together
2) We start dating. He is considerate, supportive, treats me like a lady, has a plan for his future but is open to sharing his future with a full partner.
3) We get serious and committed (stop dating others)
4) He has a tough day or week with work, family, health or something. I am kind, supportive and there for him.
5) This happens repeatedly and I don’t feel like I can bring up what I need while he is ‘going through something’
6) My needs start to be bottom priority and I don’t address it
7) I start finding him a drain, a drag and I love him but start judging him and resenting him too.
8) More and more often, I am happier NOT around him than around him because I can actually meet my needs, not his.
9) Things get worse between us. Sex is less sexy or not at all.
10) Eventually it gets bad enough that we break up… but I wasted months or years.
#5 is where you took the wrong turn. Now, we don’t have the time to get into all the reasons WHY you did that. On the surface you think it’s because you are a good person, being kind, supportive — but no, underneath you are being self-effacing, putting yourself last, beginning to teach him that your needs don’t matter, and showing yourself that you cannot trust yourself to speak up for yourself by expressing your needs and expressing boundaries. THIS is the KEY moment.
I recently had a client struggle with #5 for three months…. and she experienced #6,7,8 and 9.. UNTIL we coached her into doing what YOU need to do…
EXPRESS YOUR NEEDS the MOMENT you see he is repeatedly getting his needs met and you are NOT.
Not later.
And believe me, the fear of losing him, the fear that you are being ‘inconsiderate’ will try to convince you that ‘it’s not a good time’ for me to express MY needs right now.
Bullshit. Seriously. I call bullshit because I have seen thousands of women do it both ways and I GUARANTEE you it ends badly when you don’t express!
This client had a history of losing six months or YEARS to these sorts of relationships! Not THIS time though! She delayed expressing her needs as he became needier — but only for a couple months and then we GOT her to EXPRESS. And guess what? It ENDED that relationship AMICABLY because the TRUTH was he could NOT emotionally handle being a supportive partner. HE had too many unmet needs himself and could not be there for her.
Good riddance! She was ELATED that it ended by mutual agreement and VERY QUICKLY she began to attract men who ARE emotionally available, mature and capable of GIVING to the relationship not just taking!
She STOPPED playing his MOMMY the SECOND she expressed her needs!
So that’s it!
THAT’S the FIRST step for you today.
Express your needs, early and often!!! ESPECIALLY if you have a guy who seems to be increasingly dependent on YOU to be the strong one. Let him stand on his two feet or fall. That does NOT mean NEVER be supportive. It means, BOTH your needs matter. It means saying, “Look, I love you and I know you’re going through a tough time, but I need some support right now around my work, and something that happened with my sister. If you don’t feel like you can be there and be fully supportive for me and my needs right now, let’s not talk/see each other today.”
You DRAW a LINE that says, “My turn. My needs matter.” and you give him a choice. NOT a threat. If he can’t be there for you, that’s fine, go do what you need to get your needs met. Either he will pull his socks up, be a man and start showing up for you and your needs too…. OR he will prove himself incapable and you’ll hang out less and less until it ends.
Do not waste your life mothering a weak man or immature boy.
So, what needs do you have that you’ve put aside for men in the past or today?
What need are you going to express TODAY?
Whatever it is, EXPRESS it.
Be Powerful.
Much Love,
Barry
p.s. – If you want to get deeper, watch one of my most popular webinars that I did a couple years ago and STILL helps a lot of women break this cycle: http://datemennotboys.com/webinarreplay17/
Tags: barry price, boundaries, boy, caring, compassion, confident, consider, considerate, dependency, dependent, disappoint, emotionally-unavailable, express, fully expressed, had it all together, healthy boundaries, immature, insecure, little boy, luck with men, man, man pattern, Mom, mother, mothering, needs, needy, pattern, real man, relationship expert, relationship goals, relationships, seemed, self-expression, self-love, something changed, starts well, strong one, strong woman, support, supportive, taking care of him, unsupportive
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