The Best Way to Stop Attracting (And *Being* Attracted To) the Wrong Men

Are you really attracted to guys who are bad for you? They may be bad boys. They may be guys who are birds with broken wings who you just find yourself drawn to wanting to mend, and take care of, and fix. So many women have this urge, this chemistry, this attraction to guys who they know aren’t good for them, yet still feel a sexual and emotional attraction that’s intoxicating, if not irresistible. So if this is an experience that you have had, or are still having, whether you’re single and continually attracting the wrong kinds of men, or whether you’re actually with somebody who is actually good for you, but you still find that chemistry button getting pushed when certain kinds of “bad boys” who are emotionally unavailable are around, then there are a couple of things you want to keep in mind to fix this fatal attraction.

One of the things that happens with attraction, is that we are attracted to somebody who fits some kind of “story” that we have about our lives. Quite often this begins in the past. The famous Sigmund Freud thought that all of our issues were from our opposite-gendered parent. For women it would be, “What was your father like?” But we have come along way since Freud. So even though there is some truth to the idea that if you had an emotionally unavailable father you might be attracted to men who aren’t available to you, sometimes, I find women trying to date the exact opposite, hoping to break their pattern. However, dating the typical sensitive, reliable nice guy archetype doesn’t always work either. Often there is just something missing, that spark that creates passion.

Men with whom there is a lot of hot chemistry initially, but who prove, over time, to be unreliable and not there for you when it counts, ultimately fall into the category of being immature and insecure boys hiding in the shape of a sexy man. These ‘boys’ get what they want and then disappear, push you away or let you down. Why do you keep going back? Maybe you’ve gotten used to the drama and intensity the bad boy brings to your relationships. Or maybe you tried being with a guy who was nice, steady and reliable and endured a dull, boring and lifeless relationship that lacked the juicy spontaneity that we expect in our lives. So what can you do to make sure that you aren’t making the same mistakes over and over again with guys who will love you and leave you, or, even worse, “lay” you and leave you. Let me share how to stop attracting guys who are incapable of making a truly deep emotional commitment.

One of the reasons you’re caught in this pattern is because you are attracted to guys who, at first blush, may seem manly and masculine in superficial ways, but you fail to notice the red flags that tell you they have deep insecurities that make them emotional little boys. This is an ever-growing problem today for a lot of strong, independent modern women who attracting men who seem masculine on the outside, maybe being well-built, seemingly confident, and weakening your knees with how he pairs his slight stubble with a power suit or leather jacket. Maybe your particular poison is the emotionally-brooding artist or intellectual. Or it could be the married man, who really did have what it took to commit to being a husband, but unfortunately, not to you. Whatever that type pushes those buttons for you, there’s a really good chance that he has cues that you are interpreting as “masculinity”, when the exact opposite is true beneath the surface.

Let’s take for example, the typical bad boy. What is attractive about this detached, unattainable, slightly mysterious man? Some of the appeal is that bad boys cannot be tamed. That he represents the freedom to do what he wants, when he wants. He says the things to you that nice guys aren’t willing to do and say. He surprises you. He’s unapologetically himself, even if it hurts you. What a contrast to men who seem to lack any daring or backbone. Years of encountering feminized, sensitive, nerdy men can make you more susceptible to being drawn to men who seem to have that masculine male side. The problem is, the type of masculine guy we described above is a mirage. It’s an illusion. The truth is, you need a better way to identify men and boys so that you don’t attract the wrong guys (and so you aren’t attracted to the wrong guys).

One of the first things that will tip you off to him being the wrong kind of guy is that he actually needs you to want him. He likes to be charismatic, seductive, the center of attention, but he doesn’t want to have to try too hard. If you stop chasing him, it bothers him. This is a guy who’s always going to make you work harder than he is willing to work at the courtship and relationship. These are pretty good clues and red flags you should pay attention to very early on. He is trying to make up for his deep insecurity around women by having women validate him by treating him as desirable.

Another example of ‘the wrong guy’ is the emotionally unavailable guy. This may be a guy who’s warm, fun and charismatic or seems very loving right until he has to be emotionally open and intimate, or until he is called upon to make a personal sacrifice and he is totally unwilling to do so. He’s just not capable of doing that because it requires him to go to a depth where he could be hurt. The problem with this type of boy is that he is addicting. He shows you the sensitive side of himself, and you see his potential, if he would just open up. If only he could only see it… If he could only let his heart open up… If he could only see what you see! If he could only see what was possible for the two of you with all of this chemistry. But ladies, listen up, that’s fools gold: believing that we can change somebody else. That’s not love, that’s self-abuse.

One of the primary tenets of finding a soul mate, a partner that is really good for you, is believing that a man is exactly who he shows you he is. Not with his words, but with his actions. So you have to discount his verbal reassurances. Don’t let these boys talk you out of what you know in your gut. “Just give me some space.” Plug your ears and use your eyes and gut. Is he showing up for you? Is he consistent? Does he show you that he loves you and cares? Is he willing to sacrifice effort, energy, time and resources for you? Is this the kind of person who demonstrates commitment and follows through in his other affairs or is he somebody that is always on the move? Always running away or pointing the finger and blaming others, whether ex-bosses, ex-friends, or ex-wives. A man takes accountability. A blamer is a boy. Got it? Good.

Being attracted to the “wrong men” may feel very sexy at first because we are living in the fantasy phase; that sexy, energetic tension. That deliciousness of mystery. But that mystery is because he withholds who he authentically is, holding his cards (and heart) close to his chest. That mysterious thing begins to wear thin for his partner when emotional intimacy begins to deepen for you, and he is still holding back. This is when some women will say “You aren’t giving me what I need.” and they’ll end it. But others, especially ones with a pattern of feeling used by men, get triggered by his emotional unavailability. The more you fall in love while he holds back, the bigger the gap becomes that you are increasingly desperate to close. You may be one of those people who tries harder when you feel him pulling away. This only makes him pull away more. You may see him coming back only when he needs something. Ironically, this is only after you start to pull away.

This is why, when you finally begin to let go of him emotionally, suddenly, there he is again — and you end up feeling like an emotional yo-yo. One minute they want you, the next minute they don’t want you. It’s confusing and batters your heart. It puts your life on an emotional and energetic roller-coaster that doesn’t let you focus on anything else, including work. Like one of my clients, who, when we started working together, wasn’t able to create a new program for her business, because of the yo-yo effect of a bad relationship. A toxic boy had her bouncing around like a ping pong ball so she couldn’t focus or access her deep energy to bring new abundance into her life or move forward.

It costs women so much when you attract the wrong men: emotionally, financially and energetically. You’ll find yourself losing your self-confidence and just staying at home on the couch instead of enjoying life, newtorking for business, meeting new friends, or finding a soulmate who does appreciate you and ‘get’ you. In fact, you may get to the point where you think “What’s the point of meeting another guy if he is only gonna hurt me, disappoint me, leave me feeling lesser-than because he’s choosing not to be around me?” Break the cycle before it breaks you.

Escaping the “wrong men” trap begins with identifying the traits we mentioned above, and accepting, with self-honesty, that they are pulling away because of their own own insecurities and fear, not because you are unworthy of their love. Observe yourself and see whether it triggers your own insecurity that he’s not choosing you. If your thoughts immediately go to not feeling good enough and that maybe that’s why he is pulling away, then stop your thinking right there! Don’t buy into the fear that you should try harder, offer more and become who he wants you to be. That is the moment where it becomes totally toxic. I encourage you to watch for that moment and make a different choice next time. So, the next time you have attracted a man who makes you fear he is pulling away, choose to love yourself instead. Leave his withdrawal with him because it’s about him. So, if you’re ready to stop attracting the wrong men and relationships learn to identify them as boys early on with the signals we’ve discussed today and learn to walk away. The best love of all is the one where you put yourself first.

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Blessings and much love,
Barry