Why Things ‘Change’ A Few Months Into Relationships with a New Man (and Why It Ruins Them)

3 months. That’s how long each of Lisa’s relationships was lasting before something was “changing” and it would start to go downhill. Things would start out fine, with a guy
paying attention to her, sharing time together, laughter, joy, passion and even starting to talk about growing together in the future. Then, it was like a switch turned off.

He would grow distant. Stop getting back to her right away. Act reluctant to do things for her, or with her. The joy was gone. Worse, as he slipped away she felt herself growing needy and clingy. This wasn’t like her at all. She was normally strong and confident in the rest of her life. But time after time, men would seem really great and interested at the start, then things would ‘shift’ and the relationship would go downhill.

The problem was, Lisa couldn’t figure out what was changing. Was it the men, or was it her? What had shifted?

If you can relate, you’re not alone. Many of the women who come to me for help breaking their man-pattern are stuck in a cycle of relationships that start well, then “something happens”. After that point, the relationship sours, either going bad in dramatic fashion or petering out gradually until one finally leaves.

So what’s going on here? Well, let me tell you how to break the pattern of men being into you at the start, then disinterested (or downright resentful) later down the road. There are three things you need to know:

#1 You will attract your wounds.

We all have wounds. Most of these are unmet needs or trauma from our childhood. Was a parent neglectful? Did we get enough love in the ways we needed it and at the time wee need it? If not (and that’s many people) then it shows up in our dating and relationships. Have you ever wondered why you attract the “same type of guy” over and over?

It’s because when we were not loved fully and properly in our childhood, and we have not healed that wound and met that need yet, we look to meet the need through others as adults. If your Father was emotionally distant, it left you needing emotional love, affection and attention to help heal a wound that may be subconsciously telling you the same things today that you felt when your Dad wasn’t emotionally there for you; “I’m not lovable. I’m not cared about. I’m ignored”.

#2 You don’t even realize you’re doing it, because it’s subconscious.

It’s not your fault, in a sense, that this has been happening to you because it’s a subconscious wound. Few of us walk around daily saying, “My Father wasn’t kind to me when I was feeling sensitive as a child, so now I will project that onto this cute guy over there and see if he will show me the care and compassion my father didn’t.” It’s like a computer program that’s operating, hidden, in the background of your mind. And until you ‘update’ this software you’ll be running on the old fears and beliefs caused by your old wounds.

That guarantees your next boyfriend or husband will end up treating you the same way as the last one. Unless you break the autopilot, subconscious program your old wounds created. The problem is, you can’t change it because you don’t see when it’s happening. You need someone qualified to re-program you. To help you heal your wound. To show you how to practice a new way of meeting those unmet needs and showing up ready for a healthy relationship. That brings us to….

#3 No man can give you what you need.

Don’t mis-hear this. Most women ARE happier in a healthy, committed relationship. Most men are too! But you have to arrive whole and complete for it to be healthy. Showing up in a new relationship, or being attracted to a guy because it feels like he is meeting your wound’s unmet needs is a guarantee of only one thing: a repeat of your past pattern.

A few months in, the early magic will wear off as you keep expecting him to be responsible for making you happy. Inevitably at some point your wound will subconsciously tell you you still don’t feel loved, still don’t feel you deserve affection and attention. That’s when you’ll have a disagreement over something that leaves you wondering what you were fighting over in the first place. Slowly, a rift will form with your man until the distance grows and he is no longer your man.

Then you’re back where you started, like Lisa. Asking herself, “What went wrong? He was so into me at first. Then he stopped doing all the things he used to do. It was like he didn’t want to be around me anymore.”

And you can feel discouraged, and reaffirm all those negative subconscious beliefs again with new evidence that you were not loved, not cared about, not paid attention to. That’s one choice. The other choice is to break the cycle. Break the cycle by finding the objective pair of eyes (not a best friend, an ex, or your Mom) who can see your blindspots.

Once you become aware of the moments your wound is showing up, and acting up (like a kid acting-up because it hasn’t gotten what it knows it needs) then you can start to address it. But you need the right strategies and tools. That includes nurturing your relationship with yourself. Because once you can meet the unmet needs of your wounded inner child, you’ll feel more lovable, and in love with yourself than ever.

True love with another is sure to follow. And this time, count on it lasting more than a few months.

Blessings and much love,
Barry