From The Man’s Mind: Loving Dating-Discomfort

Anna and I don’t always get along, because we are in love. Too often in today’s dating world, I find women and men abandoning fledgeling relationships at the first sign of disagreement, difference or discomfort. This habit is encouraged by the huge pool of instant online dates available through sites like Match.com with 22+ million users. It feels easier to simply find a new guy than to work through any friction in a new relationship. Date-and-ditch is not a philosophy that leads to long term happiness.

The next time you are on a date, or a little ways into a new relationship, put up your antennae to see what your discomfort threshold is before you have the instinct to end things and start over again. I recently had a client who would consistently get to the third date, begin feeling something for the guy, and as soon as she saw any perceived ‘red flag’ she would simply disappear on him and never call him back. These red flags included things as simple as the way he said certain words, or him wearing a necklace, or liking a writer she didn’t respect. Rather than going through the discomfort of addressing this difference with him by communicating about it, she’d clam up and avoid the situation. While this may feel like it’s keeping you emotionally safe, it’s actually keeping you lonely. You deserve better, but better only comes with risk.

When you encounter a moment like this, communicate your feelings from the “I” place. She could easily have said, “I never liked that that writer does so-and-so, but I’m curious what you like about them?” I routinely help clients find the lesson in these experiences so they can not only date better, but become more self-aware. Dating is about growth and discovery. Don’t find someone exactly like you. Find someone who supports you, but also challenges you to grow by expressing their uniqueness. Relationships are not only built on compatibility, but also our ability to deal with differences in a communicative, healthy, respectful way. That is the tool that will help you endure. That is the tool that will bring you closer after an argument than you were before the argument. As a Dating Mentor, it’s my job to give clients the tools to have healthier, happier relationships with the men they attract. If you are struggling with too much conflict in your dating, or you cut-and-run at the first sign of dating discomfort with a new guy, you may benefit from the perspective and tools of a dating mentor.

So open your heart and bare yourself. It’s only when the storm’s wind shakes the branches of the tree that the greatest, sweetest fruits fall from it’s boughs. And if you can cope with the little squalls of love, it fruits will prove very sweet, indeed

Tags: dating, dating mentor, difference, fight, friction, love, Match.com, relationships