Fifty Shades Of Grey – Insights of a Former Dominant

The “Fifty Shades of Grey” trilogy of books and movies are massively popular with women of all ages, both single and in relationships. The story describes the dominant-submissive relationship of Christian Grey, a wealthy young entrepreneur, and Anastasia Steele, a young college student. Christian is the dominant, while Anastasia is the submissive. I understand the zeitgeist feminine craving for a more powerful masuclinity capable of inspiring surrender (a mixture of safety and rapture, tinged with trust and exhiliarting risk). But having personally lived through years in Dominant / submissive relationships there is another side to this.

The aspect of masculinity explored here too often becomes either a hostile masculinity, or aims to reassure the man of an insecurity in his power around women. For the submissive woman who goes beyond fantasy, and engages to the point of things that cross into disrespect or degradation, even if only ‘mild’ there is a re-affirming of pairing ‘love’ with being treated as ‘unworthy of that love’.

“Tender abuse” is a common theme in this world. I found that at the end of the road of years of me living this lifestyle of having ‘submissives’ that what we were REALLY doing was filling emotional holes in both of us. For me, it was creating a false sense of safety and certainty: “I am in control and can’t be emotionally hurt or abandoned by this woman.” For her it usually filled a need to feel the presence of an ‘authority’ which was both austere and caring. Often, this was something she had not gotten from an emotionally unavailable father. And almost always, in both our cases, there was a history of love being mixed with some sort of unhealthy emotions so we could not enjoy sexuality without a negative or taboo aspect being included. We were programmed to expect our tenderness to come with a side of mild abuse or disregard.

Dabbling at the fun edge of dominance and submission can be wonderful to spice up a loving, respectful relationship between two people with healthy self-worth, but too often it can be a slippery slope into reinforcing both parties’ insecurities and playing on them.

The popularity of “Fifty Shades of Grey” is definitely indicative that women are craving men who DO exhibit the masculine traits of decisiveness, taking charge, directionality, and competence (if you surrender you will be safe in my hands). And the emotional lesson here is that men and women need to examine how our masculine and feminine dynamic has gone out of balance since women became more empowered and men became more feminine. NO ONE is suggesting we return to chauvinism, but the current wishy-washy state of men is not working either (read David Deida on gender polarity for more on that). The fact is, we need to switch off our dominant/submissive roles (not synonyms for masucline/feminine, by the way) in different areas and define a NEW MASCULINE that both respects women… and inspires you to feel safe, free, and aroused in our hands.

If you are ready to learn how to create a healthy, lasting soulmate relationship, or compelled to understand more about how “fifty shades” relates to your own needs and boundaries, you can apply for a consultation at http://www.datemennotboys.com/apply. (Due to demand and time limitations I will not be able to accept the majority of applications to talk. Please make it clear in your application why this is so important to you. I will prioritize those who are most committed to making a change in their lives.)

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