Kristen was a strong, well-educated, working single Mom who was used to “doing it all on my own”. She’d worked her way up a shark-filled career ladder while enduring a marriage that had emotionally-ended long before divorce was finalized. She had a great teenage son and daughter (who gave her some backtalk, as teenagers are practically obligated to do). All in all, she’d learned that if she didn’t do something, it wasn’t going to get done. After her divorce from the man-child she’d been with for years, she tried to find the courage to get out there and date again and realized something that surprised her: she was anxious. If she were really honest with herself, she was scared.
While Kristen had always been good at surviving alone, and being the responsible one, she’d never been good at letting go of her tough exterior, and letting people truly get close to her. She had trouble, for instance, accepting help, let alone asking for it. Her whole life, it seemed, her needs had always come last. She was scared she’d fll right back into a relationship where she put her needs second to her partner’s, as well as her kids’ and business. So she decided to ‘focus on myself’ instead of dating. She told herself this was exactly what she needed.
Except, when she tried to do it, she still couldn’t give to herself. The art class she’d said she’d take, as soon as she had time, kept getting put off for one reason or another. Even with her husband out of the house, new things cropped up that demanded attention: kids sports, cleaning the home office, and so on. A few months in none of the stuff Kristen had promised herself when imagining life after her marriage had come true. Instead, she was still on the hamster wheel, spinning faster and faster, busier all the time, but feeling drained, unattractive, and last on the list. Worst of all, she was beginning to feel lonely. Sure, she didn’t want to be with her ex anymore, but at least she had felt there was someone around. It had now been months since she’d felt a male presence in any way other than at through work.
That’s when she found me and we began to work on the foundation of attracting love into her life. First, we had to get a handle on her self-care, which was non-existent. We identified where she was not setting boundaries with her family, friends and business clients and gave her the tools (and emotional permission) to begin setting and holding healthier boundaries. Boundaries that let her have time and space to meet her own needs. We then worked on her sense of self-worth, self-love, and self-deserving so that when she had the time she would actually follow-through with giving to herself and receiving it instead of finding someone else’s needs to fill instead. We had to cut through her story of needing people to like her, and that no one would help her so she had to do it all alone. Not true. She’d built that prison for herself with her consistent belief and messages that she expected she’d have to do it all on her own!
As Kristen had more space to relax, nurture herself, and reconnect to her softer side she managed to drop the “man of steel” persona that was making her unapproachable. People at work, and socially, began to comment that she was warmer, more connective and more approachable. Male friends who had said she intimidated men, let her know she seemed softer, more feminine. Accordingly, Kristen had begun to feel more connected to her feminine side, and was doing her nails and buying some pretty new outfits for herself. She felt attractive again and exuded charm and enthusiasm for life. A stark contrast from the drab, dreary daily existence she had been living a few short months ago.
She not only enrolled in the art class she’d been longing for, but began to go out dancing. Soon she noticed she was attracting male attention, not just when she was out some evenings, but even during the day at the coffee shop or wherever else her path took her. While this wasn’t the end of the journey for Kristen (we still had to help her learn to feel safe with flirting, and knowing how to teach men to treat her like a lady as they courted her) it was a massive first step for her to drop the Wonder Woman act and finally allow her vulnerability to the surface. The truth was, she could do it all on her own, but it wasn’t making her happy. She wanted help, support, love, affection and acknowledgment. When men sensed that she had it all “under control” they didn’t sense any need for them to be in her life. As soon as she figuratively (and literally) let her hair down and stopped keeping everyone at arm’s length, she became happier and immediately became a better Mom, better business colleague, better friend, better Kristen, and much more attractive to the right kinds of men.
So if you see any of yourself in Kristen’s story — if you’ve been attracting boys you end up having to Mother, if you’ve felt like you can do it all on your own and don’t need a man (but really, you’re lonely on Saturday night when you crawl into an empty bed) — then take steps to change. To learn more watch my free training at http://www.datemennotboys.com/webinarreplay10
Much Love,
Barry
Leave A Reply (No comments So Far)
No comments yet