THIS WEEK IN DATING

This week’s report is a day late because Anna and I have had her wonderful family down visiting us! Summer is a great time for vacations and visitors but now I am back in full swing so here is what’s happening this week in the dating world that matters most to you and what to do with it!

THIS WEEK IN DATING (Aug 7 -Aug 13 2015)

#1 Tinder got as insecure as the men who use it!

Not only does online dating tend to attract a lot of insecure men with low self-esteem (who act like they are God’s gift, or engage in boyish fantasies aby telling you what you want to hear even though they can’t back it up)… it turns out that the insecurity of dating through technology is also true for the tech dating companies THEMSELVES. This week the management team at Tinder, a very popular mobile dating app, had a meltdown (read “tantrum”) when Nancy Jo Sales wrote an article about them for Vanity Fair.

Why It Matters: In the article, Sales struck a nerve by revealing the unvarnished truth… and like an insecure little boy, Tinder got all insecure and threatened. Tinder’s twitter account sent out some testy, immature-sounding tweets. In short, they acted exactly like the maturity level of their male users. Why does online dating attract insecure guys? Well, as the article states, “no more fear of rejection; [on many apps] users only know whether they’ve been approved, never when they’ve been discarded”. Except learning to deal with people NOT being interested in you is a normal part of life that healthy emotional individuals can handle. In fact, the proving ground of dating, much like a job search, is all about self-love and self-belief.

Here are some other key quotes that sum up the online and mobile dating scene: “There’s always something better.” Studies prove that people won’t invest effort in getting to know the REAL you when they have millions of options to instantly swipe through. And check this quote out, “ ‘We don’t know what the girls are like,’ Marty says. ‘And they don’t know us,’ says Alex”. Yup!!! Does that sounds like the right place to find lasting, deep soulmate love to you? It sure doesn’t to me! (Source: http://www.vanityfair.com/culture/2015/08/tinder-hook-up-culture-end-of-dating)

What To Do: Unplug for the rest of the month. Freeze your online and mobile dating profiles and just get out and experiment with being friendly with people (not just men, and not just men you’re attracted to). See what this brings up for you. If your story is that you don’t have time to get out, trust me, there is an emotional reason you are filling all that time! What are you avoiding feeling? If the excuse is not knowing where to go, I guarantee there is a fear under there which is blindfoding you to the possibilities! Ask yourself what’s REALLY going on in how you’ve set up your life. Maybe there is some emotional payoff for you protecting yourself from actually meeting a man. Like feeling safe and independent, perhaps? If you need help figuring it out, call (408) 909-2626 and let me know you’d like to receive my audio (at no cost — this week only) on “How To Meet Men OFFLINE”. Make sure you clearly say your name, email address and phone number (in case we can’t make out your email address and need to text you to confirm the spelling). Learn how to meet men offline this week!

#2 Vulnerability is the new strong!

Brene Brown (PhD, Oprah-favorite and TED Talk luminary) is currently doing a series on Vulnerability.

Why It Matters: She knows what she is talking about, and her research clearly proves that being more vulnerable is the key to intimacy and a happy whole-hearted life. I love her for being vulnerable HERSELF as she admits that this discovery made her, essentially, say “$@!%!” Yes, she had that reaction because she KNEW that was a big block of hers – she preferred being strong, independent, perfect and NOT vulnerable. She is a credible, science-based, logical source that reaffirms that the key path to happiness and a soulmate relationship is through dropping our guard, our wall, our armor. But that doesn’t mean it’s easy to do, right? Because NO ONE wants to get hurt again… that’s why you have to learn to be vulnerable in the RIGHT way — read the next bit below and I’ll explain how to do this….

What To Do: Observe yourself this week. In what ways are you vulnerable, or avoiding vulnerability. Here are vulnerability words to watch for in your thoughts, feelings and actions: feeling, I feel, heart, sad, sensitive, mad, expressive, need, vulnerable, love, hope, asking for help or support, receiving help, admitting your mistakes, flaws, imperfections without beating yourself up, etc. Words and actions to watch for that avoid vulnerability: I don’t need, I’m fine, I think, independent, on my own, alone, do it myself, mind, head, strong (yup, sometimes we use this in a very healthy way, but sometimes we use it as armor or as a ‘keep out” sign), wanting to be right, perfectionism. So watch yourself this week! How vulnerable do you let yourself be?

The best of the best: It’s starting to happen. People can feel the end of summer approaching and for a LOT of people in the dating world that means we can no longer distract ourselves from the situation in our real lives with trips and activities — it means returning to the routine of the life WE created and set up through all of our choices, a life that does not include a happy, healthy relationship. Some people are trying to have one last summer-gasp before admitting they have to go back to the empty feeling they paint over with work and Mom-duties, while other people are simply starting to get discouraged or heavy at the prospect of returning to life. Still others haven’t quite noticed that summer is ending… but they will notice within another week or two as the back to school ads and seasonal-shift vibe fill the air. Summer flings are ending. Hopes for summer romances are either ending, or they have now become real relationships. Whatever your situation THIS IS A TIME Of TRANSITION and you may have new feelings about that. Notice how you feel about the shifts that are coming up as the rhythm of summer moves into the fall. If there is any negativity, remind yourself why being your best you with the right man in a healthy relationship matters to you! Then get EXCITED about fall’s POTENTIAL and engage yourself in planning what you’ll do this fall! Every end has a new beginning in it!

Personal observation of the week
My Take: This week I’ve noticed a trend of loneliness arising in the women in my groups and one-on-one sessions — many have been tempted to let an ex back in, or if they’ve been able to resist the urge to contact an ex then their loneliness instead showed up as sadness or frustration that no one has shown up to replace the old ex yet. Either way, some loneliness is in the air as we hit the late-summer doldrums and fall approaches. The solution? Identify the needs that aren’t being met for you right now and then the emotions underneath those so you can meet those needs in healthier, more positive ways. Frustration and sadness comes from a lack of faith that you are more than good enough and will CERTAINLY have your soulmate — doubting the inevitability of that can make ‘waiting’ seem excruciating or even pointless. Once we have faith and certainty that it WILL happen for us, we are no longer painfully waiting, but joyfully preparing for the arrival of love.

Much Love and Date Smart!

Barry-Signature-Pic

 

 

p.s. – Here’s a pic of my wife Anna, cousin Christopher and me enjoying a day in Malibu on their recent visit! Hope you’ve had a wonderful summer too!

anna barry chris 2015

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