Why Powerful Women Often Get Taken Advantage Of By Men

Being a powerful woman around men brings up a lot of challenges. Some men are intimidated. Others turn you into their Mommy, relying on you to be the strong ‘doer’ in the relationship. So how, as a powerful woman, can you have a healthy relationship with a man who carries his weight, does his share — a FULL partner whom you feel safe being vulnerable with, and who supports you in your power rather than shrinks from it or becomes dependent on it?

First you need to know about Fear-Based Needs and Love-Based Needs.

Look, we all have needs, right? But we have the needs we WANT to admit we have and then there are the needs we DON’T want to admit we have. You know the ones. The ones you get mad at yourself for having. We need connection to others, but we hate feeling ‘weak’ or ‘needy’ if we get anxious when we don’t hear from a guy for a few days. So what’s the difference between our healthy needs and our unhealthy ones? What’s the difference between the needs we are okay admitting to ourselves, and the ones we want to pretend we don’t have?

The difference is that the healthy needs are met through LOVING actions and the unhealthy ones are met through FEAR-BASED actions.

That’s the difference.

Did you get that? Because it’s VERY important if you want a lasting, fulfilling relationship that’s actually healthy for you and your partner.

YOU see, it is HOW we meet the need that matters.

For example, if you need to feel like you matter… and you currently are feeling ‘ignored by’ or ‘low priority to’ men/your man then you are already in FEAR. You are afraid you aren’t hearing from him, or he isn’t initiating planning when to see you next because (your fear tells you) you DON’T MATTER TO HIM. Now, you CONSCIOUSLY try to tell yourself the opposite… I know he loves me, I know I need to chill out, etc… but inside it’s like a raging emotional wildfire you can’t put out, that fear voice whispering “He isn’t interested in you”. Your conscious thoughts don’t match your REAL subconscious emotions, which is why we can feel like we are going a little crazy inside.

So what do you do? You NEED to feel like you matter… so you take action. But from FEAR.

So you start fishing for a text reply from him, or mentioning the upcoming weekend with the fear he won’t set something up, or you protect yourself by ‘pretending’ you are fine and distracting yourself with extra activities and commitments while inside it’s eating at you that he isn’t making you feel important.

EVERY time I see someone do this, it ends badly. It does NOT end up helping you feel like you matter when you have to chase a guy to see him, or lure him into eliciting a text response (which always seems to be shorter than yours and less frequent than yours). So the strong woman in you tries to take control and tell yourself you don’t need him, putting the wall up, even while the fear tells you you feel hurt.

That’s NOT how you get a healthy relationship! Plus, it just feels like crap to put yourself through that rollercoaster, right?

But that’s how it goes when you try to meet your needs through FEAR-BASED actions.

So what should you do instead? What works? Well, if you read on you’ll find out.

The way to get your needs met in a HEALTHY way, in a HEALTHY relationship with a HEALTHY MAN (and to ATTRACT one to begin with, if you’re single and dating) is very simple:

Meet your needs through LOVING actions.

That means, when you aren’t hearing from a guy for a day or two, and your mind wants to jump to the fear “I don’t matter” you IMMEDIATELY reply to it with self-love tools like the ones I use with clients. You immediately connect to KNOWING (not just ‘telling yourself’) that you ARE important and loved and MATTER… and you do this until the fear subsides.

Because once the fear subsides, you are AVAILABLE TO LOVE again.

And then, EVERY action you take will come from love, not feeling wounded or hurt or mad about what the guy is or isn’t doing.

And SUDDENLY. Magically… you’ll see COMPLETELY different results.

Like my client, Viviane, who for a DECADE was hung up on a guy who would show up when he wanted sex, then disappear when she wanted commitment. Once we worked together she was able to SIt THROUGH the uncomfortable experience of feeling him withdraw, and fearing she was being abandoned… she then learned to take LOVING actions in response instead of FEAR-BASED reactions.

She stopped ‘chasing’ him through texts. She began to connect to her inner sadness and showed herself love and compassion. We did deep work on how the little girl in her felt abandoned and invisible to her Father at times. On wounds around how her Mom role modelled NOT asking for what you really need.

Did you know that MOST “needy” behavior actually comes from delaying TOO LONG before asking for what you need? REFUSING to give ourselves what we need, THEN ask for it lovingly from others is why our needs feel depleted and so we chase those needs from fear instead of attract then from love!

Viviane began to use all the tools we gave her to fill her need to feel loved and significant. She felt important, appreciated, accepted. And THEN she expressed her needs and boundaries to her man NOT as a way to ‘get him to do what she wanted’… not as a strategy or ultimatum, but just as a fact. When she said “Hey, I am planning my weekend. Let me know today if we’re getting together this weekend. :)” There was no hurt in that tone, no protective hard-edged ‘wall’ she was putting up. She was TRULY equally fine if she did not hear from him because she made other plans that felt great too. In her case, the man quickly saw she was ready to move on (without resentment) and not dependent on him for her needs. Suddenly he was pursuing her, initiating communicating, wanting to see her and on and on.

Now, I don’t want to give you the wrong idea. Not EVERY guy has this epiphany. Know why?

Some guys are NOT MEANT TO BE WITH YOU. Once you TRULY own your splendiforousness (made up word!) you’ll exult in how LOVEWORTHY you KNOW you are and if a guy isn’t showing up, you’ll EASILY let him drift away.

Let me say that again because it’s important: he will easily drift away.

No more agonizing on again off again exes. No more “hoping” the light bulb comes on for the guy. Just letting the WRONG ONE GO so the RIGHT one comes in.

This WORKS. Some clients experience a rebirth and commitment in a long time relationship that had been stuck in limbo, while others let that guy go painlessly and attract a new loving man (this has happened three times for three different clients just this month!)

The key?

Taking LOVE-BASED actions instead of FEAR-BASED actions to meet your needs.

Are you using FEAR-BASED reactions when men trigger you, or consistent LOVE-BASED actions to feel the things you need? Because until YOU give them to yourself, no man will.

Much Love,

Barry-Signature-Pic

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