Yesterday, Anna and I were enjoying a relaxing, productive afternoon at R&D Kitchen. While we were there, a friendly Aussie guy started hitting on Anna in a way that she didn’t notice. When a woman doesn’t see the early signs of a friendly guy’s interest in her, it can lead to awkward rejections later if she is not interested in him. I’ve had more than a few beautiful female clients who dread going out because they hate having to be cold to friendly guys, or worse, get rid of over-friendly guys. If you find yourself needing to extricate yourselves from over-eager guys and unpleasant attention too often, it may be because you need to learn the early warning signs that a guy is hitting on you.
We all like when someone is friendly towards us, and a lot of guys will use this to come in under the radar. I hear women say, “But I don’t want to have to be a bitch to keep guys from thinking they’re getting somewhere.” You’re right, you shouldn’t have to go through life putting up the bitch wall and being cold instead of warm and friendly because of a few jerks. But the only alternative is to recognize it early when a guy you aren’t into wants to pick-you up, then for you to set boundaries immediately and repeatedly. Here are two warning signs, and how to respond to each one.
Warning Sign #1 – He scopes out your body when he thinks you aren’t looking. Many girls miss this. We guys know that if you catch us giving you the “up-and-down” glance, your defenses may go up. So, we wait until you peek into your purse, or the waitress brings your drink, or some similar opportune moment. What to do: If a guy you don’t know begins showing you a lot of warmth and attention out-of-the-blue, then use windows and mirrors to your advantage. When you finish speaking to him, turn away and glance in a mirror or window reflection out of your peripheral vision to see if he sneaks a peek in the next five or six seconds. If he does, he has more than friendly intentions. When you speak next, send him cues that show you are not interested in him romantically or physically. I teach mentoring clients what cues guys respond to, and how to get the response you need from him.
Warning Sign #2 – How Does He React To Your Male Friends When a man wants you, and you have other men around, he will passive-aggressively put the man down so he looks superior. For instance, Anna’s new admirer flexed his biceps and announced that he used to be a bodybuilder. He looked at me and told us that his arm was much bigger than mine, then he puffed up proudly. This is (sadly) pretty typical male behavior when a guy wants to impress or pick up a woman. What to do: if you have a male friend with you, and a new guy tries to demonstrate his superior knowledge, attitude, money, physicality, etc. realize he is likely trying to pick you up. The attempt to make himself look better by pushing other people down can take many forms. Anna’s suitor even one-upped me ordering a glass of wine by saying “Have a bottle, buddy. You think too small. You need to think bigger.”, then snorting and rolling his eyes.”
Guys who only feel good enough about themselves when they feel make others look and feel worse do not make great long-term partners. If a guy you meet is doing this, it may indicate insecurity on his part, which can lead to a lot of relationship problems. It’s definitely a red flag. As a final note, when Anna and I were leaving, I shook his hand to say a warm goodbye (I held nothing against him for him being himself). As we looked each other in the eye, him sitting, and me standing, he got uncomfortable and looked away. Then, he stood up, towering over me. Only then did his smile return, along with his self-assurance, believing his height made him good enough. I smiled back, wishing he could understand what I help all my clients understand: we are all good enough, we just have to believe it.
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