Are Your Friends Keeping You Single?

We rely on our friends for a lot. For encouragement and support. For a partner in crime when we go out for margaritas and a good time. And sometimes, to be there for you emotionally when there is no man in your life. Could anything have looked as fun as “Sex In The City” with it’s sisterhood of Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte? A group of friends is an important and necessary part of any woman’s life, but is it possible that your group of friends could be hurting your chances finding the love of your life? Having seen it happen with a lot of women, the answer is, “Unfortunately, Yes.” Here’s how you can tell if it’s happening to you, and what you can do about it.

A couple of months ago I was eating lunch at a restaurant and a group of three women, not unlike Carrie and her friends, came in and sat at the table next to me. One of them, let’s call her Charlotte, was married and truly happy. Another one, the Carrie of the group, lamented she had no luck with men, but hadn’t given up hope. The third woman was extremely jaded and negative. Let’s just call her Ms. Negative. Every time Carrie would mention how she admired Charlotte, her married friend’s relationship, Ms. Negative would add a “Yeah, but…” Most of these centered around men, or assumptions about men, such as there being no good ones left. She said she was sure she’d end up alone, and good riddance to men. As I finished my meal, Carrie said, “I need help with my dating. It’s a disaster.” I couldn’t let that go unanswered, so I turned and introduced myself and explained what I do. Carrie’s face lit up and she was immediately intrigued. Out of the corner of my eye I noticed Ms. Negative cross her arms, lean back and narrow her eyes, studying me. As I explained how I help women change from the inside out, changing their relationship with themself and thereby changing the type of men they attract, Charlotte kept nodding and agreeing with each thing I said I did with clients. “Yes! That’s right.” “Oh, I used to do that!”, “That’s true.” The woman whose relationship they admired told them that my approach was similar to how she had found her man.

Carrie immediately wanted to exchange information with me, so we could be in touch. I offered to email her some helpful articles (like this one) and call her to discuss her dating challenges. I passed her a pen and paper and asked for her email address. That’s when Ms. Negative stepped in. She took the pen and paper right out of Carrie’s hands and declared, “I’ll write it down for you.” Ms. N wrote it down, handed it to me, and turned her back. I got up to leave and said goodbye, wishing them a great day. The married woman and Carrie responded brightly, and Ms. Negative ignored me completely. The next day, I e-mailed Carrie some resources and articles that were perfect to help her with her dating situation. Guess what happened? It bounced back. “Invalid Email Address”. I double-checked the email address on the piece of paper and re-sent it. “Invalid Email Address”.

Now, maybe Ms. Negative had made a mistake writing down her friend’s address, but I doubt it. More likely, she purposely gave me the wrong address. You may wonder why. I think, in her mind, she was doing her friend a favor. She thought she was protecting her from men, from men like me, from all men. The sad thing is, Carrie never received the help she needed and asked for because of her friend.

The people we hang out with can either lift us and propel us forwards, or hold us back. It’s been famously said that you can tell who you are by looking at the five people closest to you in your life. As a Dating Mentor I help women take a good look at their dating goals, and then at their girlfriends (or male friends, which is a whole issue on it’s own!). Even though they have good intentions, our friends’ own needs, fears and beliefs can make them act against our best interests at times. Are each of your friends helping or hindering you along your path? If you’d like to find out, you can contact me for a twenty-minute “Five Friends” Dating Assessment. But whatever you do, don’t overlook the importance of your social circle.

There is no substitute for having a big group of friends, male or female. Cultivating your social circle is a great way to meet men. In fact, meeting your mate through friends and co-workers is still the second-most-common way people meet their long-term partners (27%, according to a recent study). So call your friends, pour a round of martinis and let the girl-talk fly. Invite the right friends on your dating journey and the next time you get together, maybe they’ll be more than friends. Maybe they’ll also be your bridesmaids.

For your 20-minute “Five Friends” Dating Assessment, contact me at or 323 301-6038

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