Have you ever asked yourself why it’s so hard to find the right guy? Why there have been so many ups-and-downs, disappointments and days-and-nights spent waiting, wondering and hoping? Or are you maybe even beginning to lose hope? Well, here’s the thing: you have a choice — and finding the right guy or not depends entirely on you making this choice. You must choose whether you believe that love is something that finds you by luck, stumbling across the “right person” finally, OR whether you are ready to give yourself permission to find the right man.
That’s right. Give yourself PERMISSION.
What do I mean? Well, if you’ve had a long string of bad “luck” with men then chances are you have an actual man “pattern”. A pattern is not the same as luck. Luck is random. A pattern repeats itself, the same way, over-and-over again. Maybe your pattern is that you attract men who seem great at first, but pretty soon you realize they are emotionally-unavailable. Or you may have a pattern of things starting off fantastically, and then somewhere along the line you feel a ‘shift’ in the relationship. Suddenly you feel compelled to get out, or you lose interest. Perhaps you are one of those women who become ceaselessly anxious that HE may want to get out or that HE is losing interest. Many other women oscillate between settling for a guy who doesn’t deserve them (so you can feel safe) and then, when that gets boring, trying to date the men they are really attracted to but whom they feel anxious around. In your mind, you’re dating “up”, in this case. Of course, these guys sense your fear and begin to pull away, creating a yo-yo effect. You end up with a guy who shows up temporarily to get something, then disappears for awhile.
Patterns come in many shapes and sizes. If yours is creating unhappy, unhealthy relationships, or maybe even keeping men at bay so you feel isolated and never get dates, then the bottom line is this: you haven’t given yourself permission to find the right man yet.
This is SUCH a big mindset shift that many women have touble making the leap and stay stuck in their patterns, but you, being a smart, self-aware woman, have probably sensed at some point that there is something inside you which may be getting in the way of find a lasting relationship. That does not mean there is anything wrong with you. Oh, heck no. It doesn’t mean you’re broken, or any other negative thing! In fact, it just means you haven’t yet given yourself permission! And the great news is, it’s entirely within YOUR power to grant that permission.
Let me share something with you that you won’t hear everywhere — and certainly won’t get in mainstream media like women’s magazines and their entertaining but ineffectual ‘dating advice’ columns — the common denominator in all your interactions and relations with men is YOU. We are the only person who has been in every single relationship we have had. So, if we have a pattern, the choice we can make is to decide that WE will change in order for our pattern to change.
It only makes good sense that if we change, then the way we relate to others changes. That’s Grandma-type common sense. We have the power to change our pattern instead of waiting for luck, or the right ship to come in. And yet we waste inordinate amounts of time, money and emotional energy searching for external solutions to our unmet needs. The ‘right’ man will show up only after you do what I am about to teach you. Are you listening carefully? I hope so, because I know you want the partner who loves, supports and accepts you fully for who you really are! And you are so worth it, so here’s what you can do to reclaim your power and make that happen.
You may have heard the saying “With great power comes great responsibility.” Actually, what it needs to say is, “Reclaiming your power comes with taking accountability”. We start by asking ourselves the questions, “What could I be doing differently?”, “What am I doing that may be contributing to attracting these types of guys and relationships over-and-over again?” and “Am I ready to give myself permission to attract a wonderful, fantastic man?”
Once we decide we are capable of making a difference in our own dating life, we take our power back and own it. Now, here’s what to do the second you have your power back! Check this out…
Give yourself permission to fill YOURSELF with the very love that you’ve been looking for outside of yourself.
This is actually the single hardest thing for most of my clients to initially do — and it’s the single most EFFECTIVE thing that changes their love lives forever and begins to attract the right kind of treatment from the right kind of men.
“But how do we give ourselves permission? What does that even mean?”, you may ask. Well, let me ask you this; do you give yourself permission to be imperfect and still love yourself completely? As you go through your day do you catch yourself saying things like,
“I should/shouldn’t have done [this or that]”
“Stupid.” (muttered to ourself about something we did)
“What’s wrong with me?”
“Why do I keep… [skipping the gym, making the same mistake, or some other negative thing].”
Do you judge how some of your To Do list didn’t get done? How you could have looked better? Been kinder? Made food that turned out better? Just BEEN BETTER than you felt you actually managed to BE today? How much do you judge yourself as insufficient in a million little ways each and every day?
If you are saying or doing any of those sorts of things instead of speaking to yourself in tones of love, and allowing yourself to be exactly who you are, then you are already punishing yourself. Punishing yourself for not be the person you feel you “should” be. And perhaps this it’s an unreasonable standard you’re holding yourself to — one which you inherited from the expectations (and fears) of others like your parents or other people whose acceptance you craved. So now, you find yourself perpetrating against and punishing yourself through the language of self-abuse and self-diminishment on a daily basis.
Another way we may do this, is by not giving ourselves “Me” time. When everyone else’s needs become more important than our own, it is a major block to self-love. It’s especially challenging for mothers who may say, “Do I deserve to journal/exercise/clean that pile on my desk/read a novel/meditate/spend time doing NOTHING so I can unwind…. when I could spend more time with my kids, or do that favor for my friend, or be there for my Mom?” Exactly when will we finally declare that we give ourselves permission for OUR OWN needs to come first? For many of us ‘givers’ it comes far too late — once our health has broken down and there is a good ‘justification’ for not meeting others needs. Think about it, do you have a history of only receiving when you have no choice because you’re very sick? Do you fight and resist support and being cared for even then, saying “I’m okay. I’m fine. I’ll be fine. I can handle it.” and so on?
We DENY ourselves permission to practice self-love and cut off the flow of love being shown to us by virtue of not giving ourselves permission. And when we resist giving love the permission to flow through our lives, it stops flowing. That includes men showing you love. No one will ever show you more love than you give yourself permission to show yourself. Ever. Period.
Even if it seems like they are showing you love at first, if you are NOT practicing self-love and giving yourself permission to put your own needs first then it’s a sham. Those white-knights who love you beyond words at first turn our to be rescuer relationships that only work while you play the weak, needy victim and he gets to play the rescuer who is helping you. As soon as things are more equal, the dynamic (and relationship falls apart). Don’t buy into ‘rescuers’ as real love. And don’t play the rescuer either.
I want you to find love. Lasting-love. Healthy love. So I am giving it to you straight here. Let me say this again to make sure you have got it down and can use it in your life:
NO ONE will ever show you more love than you give YOURSELF permission to show YOURSELF.
Are you being self-loving, for example, by giving yourself permission to set boundaries with other people? Are you practicing saying “No” with love and respect to friends if something they ask for doesn’t feel good to you? Are we communicating self-loving boundaries with co-workers? With exes? With family members? Are we practicing healthy boundaries so we feel safe enough enough to be who we REALLY are instead of upset, resentful and irritated, or even drained and exhausted from giving-and-giving-and-giving but never getting.
And blaming the other person for them not respecting your boundaries is just an excuse (a common one we all use). It just means you haven’t learned how to give yourself full permission to OWN deserving those boundaries. Own it SO much you can commuincate it in a way that’s heard. It also means you probably weren’t show or role-modelled a healthy, effective way to give yourself that permission to have boundaries. You were not shown how to communicate boundaries so they are heard and respected. But that last part CAN be learned! The PERMISSION part, however, has to come from inside YOU.
If we truly want love, a soulmate, we MUST give ourselves permission to use this loving power. This power of saying “I deserve to speak up and communicate what I want and need! What I feel!” with NO fear of it being unheard. No more worrying about whether the person will like or accept us. We cannot judge ourself for any imperfections that we feel will make people reject us, yet expect to be attractive.
NO ONE will ever show you more love than you give YOURSELF permission to show YOURSELF.
So, my dear, the decision is yours…
Why is it so hard to find the right man? It will be as easy or as hard as it is for you to show yourself love. As we get better at showing ourselves love, it becomes easier and easier to find the right man. And as we move into effortlessly showering ourselves with healthy love in the form of permission to meet our own needs, permission to say “No” when we need to and without guilt, permission to not beat ourselves up with negative self-talk, but to praise ourselves instead — THAT is when we will become attractive to the love and attention we would like from others in this world.
So guess what? The good news is it’s not hard to find the right man, because all we need to do is find OURSELF again. And shower her with love.
Much Love,
Barry
p.s. – Get a self-love BOOST from me TODAY with my free self-love mediations at http://www.datemennotboys.com/love2
Tags: attract, attraction, barry paul price, boundaries, dating, dating coach, dating mentor, emotionally-unavailable, permission, self-acceptance, self-esteem, self-love, soulmate, where, work on myself
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